life.

'life happens when you busy making plans'

this is FALSE.

life happens when you let go, and go with the flow. 

i've been on vacation for almost two months, and i've had the time of my life. this experience has been one that i will never forget. 

i drove cross country with my best friend, to her new house in Missouri, spent a few weeks there, went to Saint Louis, went in the arch, had a delicious milkshake, met some hot elders, made my way through a forest, tried to save feral kittens, got scared of an animal rubbing against the house, laughed, cried, went to church and learned that all boys in Missouri are hot.

then i went to Navoo

Navoo was great, i meet up with my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew and said goodbye to my best friend. we visited most of the old buildings and i learned a lot.

but then i went to Carthage.

it changed my life. 

standing in the place where great men gave their lives for the Gospel is something i cannot describe in words. seeing the bullet holes in the door, feeling the empty space in the wood, has changed my life. i know with out a shadow of a doubt that what happened in that room was real and the Prophet Joseph  was just that, a Prophet of God, sent to this earth to bring back the fullness of the Gospel. I know with every fiber of my being that this is the true Gospel of Christ. i hope that if the time comes, i will make the same brave choices that those incredible men made. but i hope i'll never have to.

Chicago

Chicago was amazing, i didn't do much, but i didn't want to. i didn't go there to see sights and soak up the city, i went to spend time with my family. and i did, and it was great. we played games and watched shows and movies and laughed and bonded. i love my family, and i am so blessed to be able to spend time with them. But i did do some cool stuff, we went to a museum and and aquarium and an orchard. but mostly we spent time together, and that's what i wanted.

simple

i wish life was simple

i wish growing up just meant all the fun stuff

driving

having money

doing fun stuff

with out all the drama

a job 

responsibility 

problems

why can't growing up be fun.

why does it have to be work?

why choose the right?

when i was doing 'bad things' i was content happy.

i had a lot of friends

i did what i wanted when i wanted

i laughed all the time

i was healthy

i was social

i was confident.

now i'm choosing the right 

i have few friends

i delay gratification

i laugh a lot less

i'm unhealthy

i'm a hermit

i'm insecure 

choosing the right isn't easy. it isn't always fun. and sometimes i question why. why am i doing all these 'good' things. when i was doing what ever i wanted i was happier. i look back and think man i wish i was still that person. but choosing the right has blessed me more in the past two year than i could have ever imagined. 

choosing the right 

let me to having a real relationship with my Heavenly Father & Jesus

lets joy into my life

helps me gain prospective

helps me lead a life of everlasting peace

blesses me with friends who respect me and my beliefs

choosing the right is worth it. always.

inconvenience.

i miss my grandmother, a lot
my grief comes in waves,
one just hit me.
i was bawling for a good 20 minutes because i found some of her old clothes i'm going to alter.
i cried because of clothes.
this is ridiculous.

my two cents

warning:
i have had one of the worst weeks. i'm angry, so everything is going to have a negative spin on it.

with that out of the way, let us begin.

1) i hate needy friends. if the only reason you talk to me is to bitch about your life or you being single or you not liking our mutual friends, we don't need to talk. i have enough friends that i will not miss you. be happy. shut up about yourself and try listening for a change.

2) i'm sick of being judged, well sick of being judged by people without the proper credentials.

3) i'm sick of seeing Mormon girls shoulders! its annoying that most girls don't care about modesty. it pisses me off! i know its a 'stupid rule' but it keeps you from lookin' a hoe. so cut it out, put on clothes and shut up.

4)i'm sick of being more mature than 85% of the people i know. its really annoying.

5) i'm too good for the general public and i'm too 'bad' for the mormons. so im stuck in a horrible lala land. im in middle ground, unfortunately i'm all alone.

6) i'm sick of man whore's.

7) single life is KILLING ME, slowly. and its a lonely death.

8) i want to move out!!!

i don't hate my life, i'm not depressed. everything is just piling up.

i'm a seventeen year old with the responsibility of a grown up. sometimes i forgot that i signed up for this.

work and other interesting things.

work.
i work at a vet. it is never the same. there are no boring days, there are slow days, but they are never boring. i've officially worked there for two days, in those two days i have seen: a dog get an electrocardiogram (ekg), i've helped put down a dog, helped draw blood from a cat,saw a cat get a catheter, washed a dog, saved a suicidal turtle's life, gotten lectured, cleaned, filed, got lectured some more, and so much more.

vacation
i'm leaving for new york in two weeks!! i've never been more excited about anything in my whole life!! well maybe thats not true, but i'm really excited. i need a vacation. bad.

summer!
live for summer. summer is freedom. summer is tan skin and late nights. summer is bathing suits 24/7. summer is hot tubs till 3 in the morning. summer is the best 3 months of my life. i can't wait for this summer.

sistuhfriend.

jackie, your so special you get your own post.


my sister is probably my favorite person on the planet.

my sister is my bestfriend.

my sister changed for the better when she got married.

my sister has a good head on her shoulders.

my sister has the cutest baby on the planet.

my sister understands me better then i understand myself.

my sister has a heart of gold.

my sister is my role model.

my sister is my rock.

my sister is in my life for a reason.

my sister has a testimony of the gospel that is evident in everything she does.

my sister is a great mom.

my sister shows more patience in one day then i've had in my whole life.

my sister is funny, extremely funny.

my sister is the one person on the planet that i miss every second of the day.

my sister is the best sister i could ask for.

my sister works hard to be the best person she can be.

my sister is Christlike.

my sister sets an amazing example for me.

mi hermana lo es todo para mí.

jacks, i love you so much. move close to me so we can have sweat pant-movie nights and we can watch funny shows and laugh (or cry) our butts off. and eat till we're stuffed. (on healthy stuff like carrots, artichokes, cauliflower, almonds, spinach, pistachios, cheese its, cake, corn, soup and chicken or other healthy stuff.)

its pathatic

i cry now. all the time. i cry at the drop of hat. i cry when i'm happy. i cry when i'm sad. i cry because i miss my beloved grandmother. i cry when i think about how far away my sister is. i cry when i realize i'm missing milestones in my nephew's life. i cry when i get mad. i cry because my shoes don't fit. i cry when other people cry. i cry because i'm different. i cry because i'm the same. i cry for other people. i cry because i think i should cry. i even cry for no reason. i'm not depressed, i just cry a lot now.

i promise i'm ok.

everything is just tear-inducing.

this is all you get.

this is all the reflection you get.

the things i've done in the first seventeen years of my life go a little something like this: wake up, eat, school, waste time, dinner, bedtime. everyday. (basically)

now that i'm out of school; i'm limiting my food consumption; my 'waste time' part of the day is filled with work; and bed time is non existant, some other things are bound to be different right?

friends:
or should i say frien-emies, i realized i through myself into friendships that end up to be one sided, or they actually don't like me and they are only pretending. so i feel not only abandoned because some one who i thought was my friend isn't but i'm pissed because i have one more 'enemy' to worry about. its happened more times then i can remember.
boys!:
i do the same thing with boys that i do with friends, the relationship becomes one sided. i don' t get appreciated enough i give to much and receive too little.



i vow:
to become friends with strictly boys
to be a lesbian.

this one time i watched my boss fall off a stage.

i'm a boss. i save lives.

okay, so maybe i'm a secretary and i watch people administer first aide but i'm sure you don't care about the details. now that i've prefaced the story, let me tell it.

i have been working for a sister in my ward who is a photographer. we were taking pictures of a dance show and she was on the stage. there was a huge class so she was backing up to get them all in the picture. she backed up and fell off the stage. she hit her head. i called 911, they came and decided she needed to go to the hospital. she went in an ambulance and i got left with responsibilities:
$2,000+ worth of photography equipment
her 8 year old daughter
i had to take the rest of the pictures
taking orders for the pictures
collecting money
making sure her daughter was well cared for
damage control.
its more than i wanted to deal with. but all went smoothly after that. 15 stitches later she was worried about everyone and everything else. what a trooper.

p.s. i got two mason jars of homemade apple butter and two sandwich bags of home made beef jerky out of it. hollaback.

i'm ready.

its that time
graduation time.
this is the time when i'm supposed to say 'i'm going to miss this' or 'i don't want to leave' or 'i don't want to grow up!' but i can't say that because
i WON'T miss high school.
i want to leave.
i want to grow up.
i'm ready for my life, college, freedom, travel, new friends, and experiences out side of southern california.
most importantly i'm ready for a new start.
i'm ready.






or at least i think i am.